


This is my family

by Neko_Airie



Series: Rarities come in Handy [14]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 03:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1454266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neko_Airie/pseuds/Neko_Airie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A kind action may hold more pain than joy for the youngest musketeer</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is my family

**Author's Note:**

> Another amazing idea from Selene467. Posted from an iPad so spelling and grammer not perfect.

'The musket balls were flying over head, the order to march was going to come soon, he knew it. They all did. He looked to his brother at arms on his right. A young man, too young. Probably hear for the same reason that he joined a year ago. To protect. Protect the ones that he loved. He looked to the heavens now and saw the sun begin to peak over the horizon. He wanted to leave something to be remembered by. He pulled out parchment and pen.'

d'Artangan stood before the barracks, he was heading back to his rooms after a long day. He was stuck on recruit training again, apparently it was not proper to tell a courtier that he would be less likely to be shot should he loose a few pound around the middle, thus making him a smaller target. "Monsieur d'Artangan?" he stopped and turned at the unfamiliar voice calling his name, scanning the street he noticed a man waving at him and forcing his way through the crowd to get to him. he puffed out a large sigh when he finally got to him. "Are you Monsieur d'Artangan?" d'Artangan nodded, the man again smiled. "Good Day to you then, I am Jaques and this is Matilda." he introduced the small squirrel daemon poking out of his pocket. "and I have been looking for you for many years" d'Artangan looked shocked at this but proceeded to introduce Anu to the stranger.   
"And why exactly have you been looking for me for so long." he questioned wondering why a man he had never met before was looking for him with such diligence. Jaques pulled a large wadded letter from his pocket, it was stained with mud and what looked at lot like blood. "To give you this young sir." he held it out towards d'Artangan who eyed it warily.   
"What is it?" he questioned, letters from strangers were still making him jumpy after the stalker incident. Jaques smiled dropped slightly.  
" I believe that it was written by your brother. I found it in one of my barn houses, they were used to station troops before going into battle. I apologise but I did read it, if only to find out to whom it belonged. Your first name was mentioned an long with Gascony. It was not easy to find you little Lupiac. I wanted to return it to you personally. And I must say your brother would have been nightly proud of you." d'Artangan took the letter with shaking hands and thanked the man, offering him some smal payment but he refused before dashing back off into the crowd.

d'Artangan raced back to his rooms and slammed the door shut, he collapsed into the plain bed and made to open the paper. He froze, his hands would not move, his head was pounding in his ears. Did he want to know what was in this? Would it change the view he had of his brother after all these years? He thought for a while staring at the paper, Anu occasionally nudged his hand and offered some small comfort. No, he decided he wanted to know this he wanted to see what his brother was thinking about.  His hands unfroze and he gently tore the tiny wax seal that had replace the larger army issue one. The paper crinkled as it opened, the pages cleaner and undamaged. It was his brother failed scrawl the he first took notice of and he could almost imagine the scent of his brother coming off of it. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before opening them again and beginng to read. 

' I don't know if anyone will ever read this, it may be lost to water, mud or fire, but I want someone to know if possible. Just someone, I wish it were my brother, but it's nearly time to leave and I have not time to charted a hawk or messenger. 

I don't really know what I should write so I think I will start with whats happening around me. I'm in a large barn house that is missing part of its west wall and roof but it's shelter of some sort. It's nearly sunrise and our orders shall soon come into effect. To march on the enemy muskets with only sword and single shot pistol. We all know that this will be slaughter but were are soldiers and we follow orders even if it leads to death. Knowing this has made me think, think of the things I shall miss and not get to see. Like my little brother Charles and wonderful Anu, they havn't settled yet. 

She is always shifting between cats and large birds, a wonderful compromise of my brothers personality. He was always flighty as a bird, wanting be here there and everywhere as well as being as proud and loving as a cat, wanting to curl up infront of the fire at the end of the day and basking in the sun. I wonder sometimes if she will turn out like Charee. She's a small tiger, smaller than the true animals but she is so beautiful. I think she might Anumpama sounds like a tigers name. She'll grow with him loving everything as she does already, I can tell. I'm really going to miss not seeing her settle. 

I wonder who will teach him swordsmanship now, and shooting. We were going to do that when I got back, I was going. To take him out into the woods and teach him the basics of pistol training. "don't snatch at the gun" and "don't be too tense". He would have been great, I know it. The best in France. I would always tease him that he would never be any better than me, used to pick him up and throw him over my shoulder and carry him back home. Would threaten to drop him if he squirmed to much. I think I would have enjoyed teach him swords, using my little wooden one to teach him the best grips and such. 

I keep thinking of our greatest pranks against one another and our teasing games, mother used to scold us something wicked when she accidentally got caught in the middle of one. I think that's what I miss most is the teasing and the longs days of doing nothing. Just being with my brother. My little brother is my light. I have a likeness in a small frame in my back back. Given to me by father, I have showed everyone in my regiment and we all agree he is beautiful.

If you are dreading this brother. I hope that you grow into a strong and honourable man, I know you will. It doesn't matter what you do I will alway be proud to call myself your older brother. I wish I could have seen you grow into a man and fall in love, maybe even a soul bond. 

The suns almost completely up now, nearly time to go. My hearts racing now, pounding in my chest. I realise now, I'm scared. I don't want to die. I went to mass every week as a child, I was told the glories of heaven but now I'm not so sure. I'm so scared that there will be nothing.  It's the enemy musket, they don't fire to hit anything. No, it's to keep us awake. Scare us and it's working. None of us have had a proper night sleep in weeks, they yell taunt at night and throw grenade at odd intervals. It's horrible. 

The captain is ordering us to move now. Time to go, time to be brave an find my courage. To fight for my little brother. To fight for life.'

He finished reading it and slumped down where he sat. Anu wound herself a round d'Artangan trying to give as much comfort as she wished to receive. d'Artangans mind was reeling. Bring pushed from memory to memory; they were playing by the water, his brother was teaching him how to skip stones along the surface. Anu and Charee were still unsettled little otters dancing in the current. He heard the sound of his brothers voice circling round his head. Looping like some one saying the same phrases over and over.  It was pushing on him. He could feel it in his chest the agony and the overwhelm emotion that was trying to manifest its self as physical pain. Every beat of his heart hurt, the thump like a single musket ball. Then came the anger, over whelming and deafening to his heart. Anger at his brother for leaving him, anger at himself for feeling like that. 

The anger was crippling in his heart, building up like the walls around him in his room. Ever growing boxing him taking over and pushing everything down. He stood and dropped the letter on the floor, standing on it. It was just words on a page, words that fuelled illogical anger on its way through his veins. His pacing intensified, back and forth back and forth. The memories won't go away, the sounds of brotherly laughter and playful teasing. His brothers voice drowned out everything in reality, filling the walls built by the anger. It was a vicious circle, building and growing over and over. "Go Away!" he swung his fist wildly and it collided with the wall harshly, the sound of crunching one and plaster did not permeate the memory. 

Pain lanced up his hand arm, sinking into his chest. The pain in his heart was dampened slightly, the voices and memories receding if just a fraction. He swung again and again, over and over, each blow taking a little of the emotion away. The physical pain was tangible something understandable, it was easier and exhausting. Blood runs through his fingers, the bones creaking and skin bruised, but it was preferable to renew grief, grief soul deep.

Anu watched him, watch his pain and his anger. She understood and she could feel. Watching was not the same as doing but she would not stop him. She wished she could change this but there was nothing she could do, she would wait till exhaustion won then she would comfort.

Exhaustion washed over him, his muscles failed and his collapsed to the rough wooden floor, his anger spent and heart broken empty of everything, he is hollow now. Hollow was something he understood, hollow was familiar. He curled in on himself, pushing himself back into the juncture between the bed and wall. He feels a sickening sense of dejavu come over him, he knows this hollowness and he knows what it led to last time. His mind drifts to the large curling river that lays just outside of Paris, he thinks of the water and of its hold. Drawing some strength he did not know he possessed he used Anumpama to lever himself up from the floor, he was drawn to water and to water he would go.

______________________________________________________________

Aramis bounded up the stairs of the barrack boarding house talking loudly and with great gusto. He was followed by a laughing Porthos and gently smiling Athos. They'd just come back off of their palace guard duty. Aramis was recounting the apparently hilarious wooing attempted by one of the court. As they were now officially off duty they were heading to the tavern, but not befor epic king up their fourth from his rooms.

Bijou was as ever sat on her humans shoulder and was chatting idly away with Adelynn when the group rounded the corner to d'Artangans rooms. Athos was now at the front of the group and she could see his door. It was open, that was odd. He never left it open even when he was in residence it was just not his style so to speak. "Athos, look. His door."  Athos topped talking a looked were Bijou said, his door wash deed open. He sped up and came quickly to face the door. Pushing it further open he stepped inside; ther ewes a chair over turned by one wall and the bed sheets were a mess but it was the cracked and caved plaster covered with blood that's net Athos hackles up. Porthos immediately walked over and ran bus fingers over the crater, drawing back they were covered in fresh wet blood. " a fist made these. Repeated punching over and over." there was the unspoken question on everyone's lips, did d'Artangan do this? 

Aramis scanned the room quickly and identified the letter on the floor. He snatched it up and quickly scanned through it, Evette was peering over his shoulder as he read. One finished he stood again and,are his way to the other pair where they were still contemplating the damage done to the wall.  
"It was definitely our boy. Physical pain if often much ensure to dealing over emotional." the tone of complete understanding brought visions of the aftermath of Savoy to all there minds. Aramis had been a reck and prone to bouts of debilitating anger that resulted in physical pain. He held out the letter letting them all do as he had done and read through it quickly.

Athos felt his heart sink, d'Artangan often still had night terrors conceding the death of hs brother and his attempted suicide. He would wake sweating and screaming for him or his brother. He had many night held the boy while he cried hi,self to sleep. This letter would destroy whatever fragile hold he had on the sanity of living without his brother. "Do you think he would try again?" Porthos asked worriedly, d'Artangan would be fragile and he knew that. There was too much at stake to wait and see if he came back for any reason. Aramis shook his head and thought back to the incident with the two little boys, he re,Entre the way that he had looked at the water, almost longingly at some points when he spoke f his brother. It was Athos that answered though. " I don't want to wait and find out. There is the river Seine that runs outside of Paris. He would go there, I know he would. I feel it in my heart." 

That had rushed from the room and through the streets of Paris, for going all forms of transport accept their own feet and legs. They ran like madmen pushing people from their way. Soon Paris lifted into the country and they were closer to e river and the largest and closest bridge. Slowing only once it came into sight they saw a figure looking over the brick wall. It was d'Artangan. He was there and he was stood with both feet planted firmly on solid ground and Anumapama with him lead on the dusty floor next to him, she appeared to be speaking quietly with him. Athos breathed a premature sigh of relief, they still had time if news going to jump. He stools approached his lover. d'Artanan spoke to him without any prompting or with out looking away from the raging waters of the river.   
"I wasn't going to jump, if that's what you were afraid of. We used to love the water, my brother and me. It's so free, it goes where it wants. In time even mountains move for it." Athos stopped close to him, he wanted to reach out and comfort his lover but was still afraid of inciting something that would end badly. So he waited, waited for hours, the sun was just setting when he finally moved again and spoke. 

"I hurt Athos, my heart hurts and my body hurts. I feel like I am falling apart piece by piece. Over the years I have stuck my heart back together the love I crave and need from others, it worked. I have never felt so happy than when I am with you. But now I feel broken, I feel empty and it scars me. I will never try and take my life again but my grief scares me. My anger and my temper are dangerous and if unchecked they cause damage, what if I can't put myself back together this time. What if anger is all that's left?" he turned now and looked miserably back into Athos eyes. "I would rather you live me of anger is all I end up feeling, leave me and be safe" Athos watched as his legs gave out and he crumpled again. He rushed forwards now and pulled him forward to his chest.   
"You don't need to put yourself together again. Because we can do it for you. You ae not alone and will never be alone. It doesn't matter if you are angry or you grieve, there will always be so something after it. I will never leave you. I promise you this." d'Artangan pulled himself deeper into Athos chest. "This is what I want to feel, loved, safe. I feel safe here and I will always feel loved."

They all take the next few days off much to Treville annoyance, but he understands once Athos explains in private. They stay glued to their youngest, they entourage him to tell them his memories, and he does, allowing Anu to carry on when he is to sad or laughing to much. The hold him and tell him he is safe here with them. 

He is sitting thinking now, with Bijou on his lap and Athos behind him. He must have been staring off into space for a while because Porthos questions him about his thoughts.   
"I was thinking about family." Aramis cocks his head in question,d'Artanga smiles and elaborates.

"This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yes. Still good."


End file.
